What is abstinence?

Abstinence may be defined in a variety of different ways.  It can mean no sexual touching at all, some sexual touching, or everything except penetrative sexual intercourse.

This can be very confusing as you try to make choices for yourself regarding the decision to be abstinent or not.  To help you, we have defined what we believe abstinence to be:

·         A person who is abstinent does not go any further than kissing while in a dating relationship.  They do not get involved in any form of sexual foreplay which may include intimate stroking of their partners body, touching of the genitals, mutual masturbation, oral sex, vaginal or anal sex.

By avoiding these activities, the exchange of body fluids (semen, vaginal secretions, or blood) is prevented.  This means that pregnancy will not occur and sexually transmitted infections can not be passed on or caught.

Abstinence is a reasonable and healthy strategy to adopt during certain periods of one's lifetime e.g., during the emotionally and physically vulnerable teenage years or it can be a goal to remain abstinent until in a lifelong committed relationship, i.e. marriage.

Abstinence - it can be done!

To be abstinent follow these steps:

·         DECIDE to start/start over

·         BELIEVE in yourself that you can practice abstinence

·         AVOID temptation

·         COMMUNICATE your decision to your boyfriend or girlfriend

·         EXPRESS your love in non-physical ways

·         FIND SUPPORT from family and friends

There are many different factors that play a role in the decision to remain a virgin: religion, caring parents, a sense of personal readiness, the desire to gain control over future destiny.

Some quotes ...

Alice, 18: "I fear STI's and pregnancy, but above all, I'm not mature enough emotionally to handle the deep intimacy sex can bring."

Chris, 16: "Just look at everything - TV, Movies.  The culture today makes it seem okay to have sex whenever, however, or with whoever you want.  I just disagree with that."

Keeping sex special

To gain the most from dating relationships with the opposite sex, in a way that ensures your own and your partners self respect, self worth and enjoyment, it is important to value the importance of sex and to be aware of the risks and consequences of having sex.

Abstinence keeps sex special through:

• Sexual self-control, avoiding situations where things could get out of hand, e.g. too much alcohol or too much time spent alone together. ‘Together’ time can be spent in public places like the cinema, coffee shops, going bowling, etc, as well as going out as a couple with a group of friends.
  
   
• Living a lifestyle of respect for one’s own and others’ sexuality: viewing ourselves and the opposite sex as valuable and worthy of respect in the way we dress, what we watch on TV, the music we listen to, etc.
  
   
• Saving sex for a lifelong committed relationship based on faithfulness and mutual respect, i.e. marriage.  It is a giving relationship, rather than focusing on oneself, the focus is on the other, loving unselfishly.

Fresh start?

Perhaps you have already had sex and you’re thinking that abstinence doesn’t apply to you?  You’re thinking it’s too late for me!

However, just because you have made the decision to have sex before doesn’t mean that you have to make that same choice again in the future.  Also, it is important to know that you are not a hypocrite if you say yes one time and no another, even if it is to the same person.  The fact is, it is never too late to start over!  You have the right, and the ability, to decide not to have sex again until you are older and are fully ready to the deal with the consequences involved.

Having sex at a young age, outside of a faithful, committed relationship, puts you at risk of a number of consequences.  Do you want to reduce those risks or eliminate them completely - it’s your choice!  Abstinence is the only way to eliminate these risks completely - to avoid emotional heartbreak, unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.

Abstinence is not always easy.  But it is always the healthiest choice physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Some facts ...

• Young people, especially females, are more vulnerable to STIs than older people and the earlier teenagers first have sex, the more likely they are to get infected.
• Condoms are less likely to be used properly by young people - condom slippage and leakage is higher in young users.
• The STI - human papillomavirus, can cause cervical cancer and some STIs are not curable.
• Teenagers who use both birth control (e.g. the Pill) and a condom can still get infected.  Alternative behaviours, such as oral sex, are not safer, as many teens believe.  Virtually all STIs that can be transmitted through intercourse can also be spread orally (by mouth).
• Condoms can protect only what they cover - some STIs (genital herpes, syphilis, HPV) can cause lesions that may not be covered by a condom.  Skin-to-skin contact with a lesion can spread the infection, even if someone is wearing a condom.
• It is important that you talk to your parents about sexual issues from an early age - it can have a big impact on your future choices and it might just be easier than you think ... maybe!).

Contraception is not enough!

People may say, sure if I wear a condom I have nothing to worry about.  Why should I have to be abstinent?

A doctor based in London recently stated, "In my 15 years of general practice I have never seen a single case of unplanned pregnancy resulting from not knowing about or not being able to get contraception."  Rather, he quotes that, "up to 80% of unplanned pregnancies result from failed contraception."  He goes on to say that "young people who start having intercourse before they are 16 are three times more likely to become teenage parents than those who wait."

More quotes ... 
(from a recent article that appeared in 'More' magazine)

Chris, 24 (London, England), ...talks about being a virgin.  "Of course my friends think I'm weird, but they also respect my decision.  As I've told them, you don't miss what you've never had."  He goes on to talk about his mates having casual sex, "both sides pretend they're happy, but someone usually gets hurt.  I don't want to get into that situation, so kissing is the furthest I have ever gone.  I can't wait to have sex but I want it to be with the person I spend the rest of my life with.  Most men think differently - but I'm happy with how I am."

Christian, 26 (London, England), "It's a great shame that so many young people have to base their relationships on sex.  It's only one way of showing someone how much you love them.  I reckon if you don't jump straight into bed with someone then you can get to know them on a deeper, emotional level - and that lasts far longer than a bit of passion."

Interestingly enough ... the amount of male virgins could be much higher than you might think, even for those in their early and late twenties.  It is common for males to feel like they are expected to be having sex and therefore keep the fact that they are still a virgin to themselves.  Some may feel that they need to boast about having had sex just to fit in with their friends, to feel accepted - that's why it seems that there are less virgins than is actually the case.

A bit about marriage ...

Linsey (32) from Carrickfergus, in an article that appeared in the Belfast Telegraph talks about her decision to remain a virgin until she gets married: "Initially, some people have made fun of my ideals, but they always come back to me and say they really respect my decision and say that they wish they could do it too."

We have seen that abstinence is possible and a good health choice.  What about marriage - is it a good idea?  Yes it is!  And to back this up an interesting article appeared in 'The Mirror Mag' (February 2003).

The article states that a new reluctance to take those wedding vows is impacting on our health.  It states, "married people live longer, have healthier, more fulfilled lives, they earn more money and have better sex than those who remain single, cohabit or are divorced."

Interestingly the article also looks at those who live with their partner but are not married.  The article states that "studies show cohabitees have less stability, more disagreements, go on to have less satisfying marriages and are more likely to break up.  Couples who prefer living together are often more wary of commitment and quicker to call it quits when problems arise, so they might not benefit from the emotional rapport married couples share.

What does it all mean?

Abstinence is possible!  More and more young people and adults are doing it and experiencing the benefits of making their decision.  Society, friends and the media may suggest it is an unrealistic option - but considering the above information I hope that it has either confirmed to you that you have already made the healthy decision to remain a virgin, or perhaps it has made you think again about choices you have made or are currently making.